Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I bet you’re good in bed.

Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!

Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?

Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection

My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.

Girl: Cute dog

Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog

Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent

date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob

I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.

Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey

It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?

If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left

Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?

Me: No, I don’t have that many.

My dog: Can I have one?

Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.

Plot twist-
Maury is the father.

[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”

You’re not my real can

I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet

One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.

8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?

Me: No.

8: Can you check again?

[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over

police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes

Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.

[First day as a detective]

Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever

Murder suspect:

Me: never have I ever shot a guy

Suspect:

Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*

Suspect: dude stop

Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ

ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.

THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging

ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me

#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.

Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates

I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.

“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob

The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.

Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy

At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.