Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.

911: what’s your emergency

me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball

911: again?

me: he won’t listen to us

Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.

[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open

Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?

Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753

My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol

Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?

My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.

Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?

And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.

Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)

y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s

I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.

My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.

Them: you should buy crypto

Me:

Them: ok sell it now

Me:

Them: nvm buy it back

Me:

Them: OMG SELL IT

Me: [pulls AirPods out] what

Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!

*silence*

Todd the snail: This is bullshit

*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*

any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly

Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.

My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”

Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”

“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter

4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?

Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.

4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.

To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.

Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.

If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.

My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.

Now he can hear the voices too.

Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*

Guy at next urinal: holy shit

Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.

Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.

My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.

Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced