I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
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Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
wish me luck lads
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
My coworker Fred got caught with an underaged girl and nobody laughed when I called him “The Fredator”
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.
Librarian: Oh, like the author!
Me: Huh?
Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!
Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.
Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body