Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.

What do you mean I can’t change the past?

*logs on to Wikipedia*

Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.

I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.

“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”

Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.

Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.

For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.

If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2

Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it

*eating lawn mower parts*

what, it’s grass fed

Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.

Thanks for following

santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade

If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.

ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.

Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”

Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”

Me: “I’ll be right back.”

I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.

88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.

true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”

I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁

the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet

[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda

11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.

Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.

Bitcoin. Toothurt.

I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.

Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”

“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”

Me: Sees Video

Me: Checks Internet

My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.

That guy is a genius.

me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower

me, in shower: *jumping*

When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.