Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option

When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.

“No way.” -Jose

Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking

NEIGHBOR: What’s up?

ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month

NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?

ME: The what now?

I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.

a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated

I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day

I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.

my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper

Alexa: *deep breath*

The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.

just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.

My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago

I love when you stroke my ego.

My ego is inside my panties.

[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]

Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?

Host: What’s your friend’s name?

Me: Wikipedia.

In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.

I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.

A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.

I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.

I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.

My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.

I’m laying on the couch.

If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.

[On my death bed]

My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?

Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?

I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).

Made some terrible life choices the last few years.

Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.