I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
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I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
My plans: 2020:
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.