I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
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I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”