I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
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girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Friday
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
True?
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.