I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
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what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
“FOUND ‘EM!”
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.