Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Some people call me the space cowboy”

*leans in*

“Some people call me the gangster of love”

BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup

gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat

gorilla optometrist: uh oh

i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.

Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!

In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.

My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.

You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.

“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”

*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*

“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”

Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?

My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.

He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.

Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.

To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.

Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.

Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.

Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.

GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!

ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help

Take your age and add 5 years to it.

That is your age in 5 years.

That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own

now i lay me down to sleep
i pray the lord my soul to keep
and if i die before i wake
please hurl my phone into a lake

My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.

I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”

5: dad is sixty eighty?

me: wtf

5: is today tomorrow?

me: the hell?

5: Saturday Sunday Monday?

me: hey honey, 5 is broken.

My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”

I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.

Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.

I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.

Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?

When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.

When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.

Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”

I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.