Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.

It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.

Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.

[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?

HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!

Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale

[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato

You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?

~my favorite guy at the bar.

Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks

earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that

I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.

My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.

Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.

Friend: Who did?

Me: Yep.

The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.

I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.

I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.

*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*

This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”

No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.

Californians forget how to drive when it rains

God: send them snow

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

*me almost finished with a chore*

Husband: Here, let me do that.

I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.

Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.

If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?

If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]

Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems

wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*

superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling

batman: dude, you can fly…

superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder

batman: what

REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:

So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.

New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it