I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
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dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
me: he walking like a cold duck
other friend: with his freezin duck ass
another friend: cold duck much??
friend who always ruins the riffing with something serious: guys what side are your appendix on?
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.
I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s caring too much. And shoplifting
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
When Dr. Pimple Popper squeezed people’s pimples for fun, they thanked her and gave her a tv show… but when I do it, I’m “violating boundaries” and “committing simple assault”, and “not a dermatologist”.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510