Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’

there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter

You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.

I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.

Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.

Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.

I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.

Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”

guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me

Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.

The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

Murderer: [stabs me]

Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]

I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.

Relationships are easy as pie!

*burns pie*

It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”

Your restraining order says NO

But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.

I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.

I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.

[1907. the first convenience store opens]

GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn

My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving

Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?

me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.

them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”

Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.

Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it

The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm

[inventing the boomerang]

OH SHIT, IT’S BACK

Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone

Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis

If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.

Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.