I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
You Might Also Like
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Livid.
Cats are so graceful and light-footed.
[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
[the middle of showering] I need a break