I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
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It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!