I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
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Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.