I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
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GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
is frankincense just very honest incense?
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
When you pick your nose after dusting the house