I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
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Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
bury ourselves
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
no one likes gloating
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.