I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
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Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Think I pulled my liver
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
