I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
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FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
584.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?