I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
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“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.
🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
ok like just. call me at this point
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*