I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
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When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.
I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.