Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency

I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.

A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday

(car shopping w/ teenage son)

Me: What do you think about this one?

Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.

Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.

My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.

crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers

*on a first date*

Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal

Me: aw thanks

*turns to the waiter*

Me: do you have pony meat

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together

I love you…

…r dog.

If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper

Me: *smiling from ear to ear*

Plastic surgeon: My bad.

I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!

All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.

“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans

“Deal.” — Mother Nature

The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.

Sneaking up behind people and marrying them

Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”

an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??

autocorrect: Dan!

me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.

autocorrect: *growling* Dan.

me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO

Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that

3yo: welcome to my store.

Me: thank you how much for this apple?

3yo: ummm fifty dollars.

Me: wow and these grapes?

3yo: um SIXTY dollars.

Me: geez how about this lemon?

3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!

and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc

i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere

Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great

ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.

i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest

That second sandwich was a mistake.

– me, making a third sandwich

Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set

girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda

me: ok

her dad: *opens door* hello

me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda