I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
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This is I, Robot all over again
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Forgetting how to clean the dishes and shooting them with a gun
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
tattoos are a great convo starter. So as an introvert I kinda regret getting them
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.