I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
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when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
i can’t wait that long
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
6: are snakes just neck?
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.