I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
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[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Been there, done that.
– Australia when America is getting up on Monday morning
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Just this preview of the story is enough
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night