I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
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I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…
It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.