I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
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Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?