I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
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The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.