I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
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You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
This a good idea
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Your honor these allegations are
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
That moment of panic when they invite you inside at the start of the birthday party you thought was a drop off.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.