Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”

[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*

Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.

Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.

[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!

Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?

Me: Buy stuff

Word: Your document is auto-saved. No need to save.

Computer: *Crashes

Me: *Opens document

Word: You’re not gonna believe this…

*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”

Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”

alcohol is actually a performance-enhancing drug. but you’re not gonna like the performance

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.

[Last day of school for the year]

Kids: Yay!

Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]

I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.

People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.

Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.

me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow

boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep

Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”

I’m sorry I don’t speak any English

-me when someone starts talking to me

ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.

“uh… dare.”

-Pinocchio

Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people

The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.

Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.

someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat

Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl

Losing your spouse can be hard.

But it’s not impossible.

Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium

Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?

Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore

BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?

Me: Midnight77

BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign

I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???

wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices

me: ok, let’s start tomorrow

[next day]

me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home

wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!