I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
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(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.