I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
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[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Help
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
“Ninja please” -Japanese people