I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
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[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that
My body: are you serious? have you seen us?
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
We cannot all be trying to head home at 5:00PM. We have to start going home in groups
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.