I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
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Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”
This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But it’s harder to deter gents.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.