I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
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ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
I saw my son go quietly into his bedroom with a broom and dustpan. It’s taken me awhile to learn this, but I now know that there are some questions best left unasked.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Selfie
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president