I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
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my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
motivation
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why