I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
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Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.