I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
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[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…