Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*

MOM: *shouting* use your words!

MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!

My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.

Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.

When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”

6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?

11: Post Melon

6:

I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.

We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation

When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?

look scared

Going back in time, y’all need anything?

Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test

Me: C

Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩

[first date]

Her: Are you wearing a wire?

Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*

Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.

There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.

Kids are like mosquitoes…

…when they stop making a noise, start worrying

My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!

#NationalLazyDay

I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.

My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.

This is the dumbest end of the world ever.

Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!

Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?

Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.

people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper

I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.

☺️

The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”

“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE

My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.

Me: Wtf?

I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.

Foreigner: I want to know what love is.

Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.

A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.