Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.

It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.

“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping

migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field

ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.

CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute

ME: sure of course no problem

Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.

him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?

her: no thanks

me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho

The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.

The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.

Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.

She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.

Yes Pony Express?

I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?

Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.

doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants

me: *taking underpants off my head* fine

What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield

them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope

I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent

Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.

*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*

Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”

Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.

USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔

me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose

CDC: no

ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.

i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”

I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”

In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint

I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.

My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level

At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.

Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.