Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*draws a line in the sand*

*looks at the line in the sand*

*decides that it might be time to vacuum*

To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”

Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do

*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?

7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*

Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.

7-year-old: It was their planet first.

Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.

HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….

Me: But…

Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.

Harry Potter at an interview

Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.

I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.

hmm conte-me mais

my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that

No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble

Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.

My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

me: [waking from coma] how long was I out

doc: two years, but I have terrible news

me: what

doc: it’s still March

8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?

me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me

A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.

I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?

I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.

I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.

[bedtime]

SON: I want a monster story.

ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”

My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.

Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES

Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.

Dating Profile:

List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.

[pushing my son in his stroller]

Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?

Me: 35

Stranger: I was talking to him

Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.

*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away

lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose

God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell

lucifer: what?

What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?