I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
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Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
I am having an out of money experience.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!