@TheDeadfishSays

I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.

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@ojedge

[on a first date]

“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”

@MarieColette

Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.

@AnniemuMary

I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.

@Vodkantots

“And what will you do if you’re crowned Miss Universe?”

“I will have a special prosecutor put the first runner up in jail.”

@hazelmotes1

My coworker left my office an hour ago, but the smell of his cologne remains, like some kind of douchbag ghost.

@beefman138

Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.

@WilliamAder

Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.

@TheBoydP

I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?

@kwkorpi

Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.