[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
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Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
“And what will you do if you’re crowned Miss Universe?”
“I will have a special prosecutor put the first runner up in jail.”
My coworker left my office an hour ago, but the smell of his cologne remains, like some kind of douchbag ghost.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.