I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
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I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
My background check bounced.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
This makes total sense…
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Seems a bit forward