I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
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“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Me: “you can’t just buy my forgiveness with cheese”
2 minutes later Me: “ok you can, this is some damn good cheese”
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
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I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?