I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
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Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.