This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
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My therapist told me “Write letters to the people you hate, and then burn them.” Did that, but now I don’t know what to do with the letters.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Super productive day, I took down all of my neighbor’s outdoor Christmas decorations.
[email protected] Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it