i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again

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shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice


The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.


[returning toothpaste]

Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.


*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red


“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats


*Snowman wakes up in hospital*

“What happened to me?!”

Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?


Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?


I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.


Well it’s that time of the year to go outside and pretend to put up the Christmas lights I never took down from last year.


Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?

Me: After lunch, next question.