@tarashoe

i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again

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@nbadag

[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]

@CatJacquesESPN

Please don’t assume my dog is friendly because her tail is wagging. She’s just super happy thinking about ripping you to shreds.

@Danny_Dilford

I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car

@JohnLyonTweets

I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.

@DarkerWillow

You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??

Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?

@turdfailure

I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me

@dumbbeezie

Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!

Female reproductive system: Hold my beer

@Jamberee13

Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:

-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent

@Rollinintheseat

Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.