shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
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The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Well it’s that time of the year to go outside and pretend to put up the Christmas lights I never took down from last year.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.