@tarashoe

i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again

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@IamEnidColeslaw

shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice

@lmwortho

The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.

@prufrockluvsong

[returning toothpaste]

Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.

@TheDeducers

*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red

@garrydavenport

“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats

@tuckerflodman

*Snowman wakes up in hospital*

“What happened to me?!”

Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?

@jakob_huber

Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?

@PaperWash

I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.

@Tbone7219

Well it’s that time of the year to go outside and pretend to put up the Christmas lights I never took down from last year.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?

Me: After lunch, next question.