i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again

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[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]


Please don’t assume my dog is friendly because her tail is wagging. She’s just super happy thinking about ripping you to shreds.


I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car


I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.


You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??

Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?


I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me


Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!

Female reproductive system: Hold my beer


Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:

-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent


Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.