i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
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“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
get you a girl who
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again
Jane Austen was probably going after someone she knew/hated when writing Lady Catherine de Bourgh and it’s so fun to imagine her friends reading it being like OMG GIRL NO YOU DIDNT 😂😂😂🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one