I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
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Guy inventing dressage: *so drunk* hey do you think we could get a horse to dance, via the ratatouille method
Friend: what the hell does that mean
Guy: we ratatouille the horse
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?
It’s beginning to look a lot like “everyone’s manners and driving skills have disappeared” time of year again
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
