Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.

8-year-old: Who’s coming over?

Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.

8: But we already know we live like this.

oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere

Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”

*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*

I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.

“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning

I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.

As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.

Operator: 911

Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?

O: Relax sir, is this her first born?

Me: No, this is her husband.

Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.

me: *fixing something*

him: that’s not broken

me: well, it is now

I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs

eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left

As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”

I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.

Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs

5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh

BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?

NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-

INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know

Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.

Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?

Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.

Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.

Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull

Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.

which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills

People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers

i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic

Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet

Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”

The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:

1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them

Me: *stressed

My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?

Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.

Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”

No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?