I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
You Might Also Like
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
ibopfufen
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[getting a retweet]
“I’VE BEEN PUBLISHED”
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*