I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
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I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
How fast is milk?
It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat
JK it’s spam