I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
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{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out