Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder

My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.

you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken

A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.

You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building

Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*

“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”

so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane

CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.

I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.

Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.

Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.

Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?

[Job Interview]

Boss: What is your best trait?

Me: Procrastination.

B: How is that a positive?

M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.

Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh

My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.

They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.

It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom

Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”

“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”

Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?

doctor: you’re completely blind

me: what are you saying

doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf

me: what

doctor: oh right

Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.

It’s science.

If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.

Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:

I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller

She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.

You say you like to live your life dangerously, but are we talking drinking coffee at night dangerous or bungee jumping off a bridge dangerous?

Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”

angel: they seem to be doing well

God: give them more diseases

angel: is that really necess-

God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla

* Psychic Job Fair *

Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired

bill nye is short for william new year’s eve

My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.