I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
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Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Don’t you hate it when you’re SO tired because it’s been SUCH a long week and then you look at the calendar and see that it is, in fact, only Monday?
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?