I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
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Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
The real reason evolution started..😂
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
[First Date]
Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure
Him to waiter: BLT, please
Me: I’ll have the same
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this