I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
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“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
wtf is an acronym
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Social distancing in Australia:
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.