I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
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One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
I bet
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*