Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I can never tell what girls want

Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.

Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?

My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this

My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.

I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂

I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.

Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.

The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me

[watching basketball]

I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.

And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.

I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight

~ refills 32 oz tumbler

I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.

my one true gender

CW: what did you do to your hair today?

Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.

At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick

God I hate kids.

And people.

And animals.

And sardines.

And stuff that’s alive.

And stuff that’s dead.

I hate stuff.

I like cheese.

No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.

Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off

Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?

3: I hit you in the head with the shovel

me: um, no thank you

3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle

Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.

Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition

watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel

My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media

on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps

Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒

I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice

Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet

I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.

Does anything good ever escape from a lab

First person to eat a banana: this is not good

First person to peel a banana: dude guess what