I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
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stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
One venti cheeseburger please.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
I hate celery. 🤮🥴
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
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A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.