Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text

15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.

okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic

There is no “we” in pizza

Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones

The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues

My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.

“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.

I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.

Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.

Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.

I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face

*first date*

Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.

Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.

“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.

Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?

Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk

This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.

Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.

My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.

If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨

STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS

My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.

Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.

Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.

“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”

Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.

Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS

“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.

I have no idea what I’m doing.

Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.