I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
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I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
#SuperBowl
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?