I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
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Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Well, shit
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
😂😂😂
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?