I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
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I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
me: hi do you take walk ins?
funeral parlor director: what?
We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
My time has come.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better