I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
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What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.