I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
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I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
the clam before the storm
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
remember
only for emergencies
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…