I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
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(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”