I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
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USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.