Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: my son ran away

COP: we won’t rest until we find him

ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush

the simulation is moving too fast

“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket

what’s in a name?

Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?

Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.

I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!

But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”

Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.

Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.

Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.

I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO

Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*

[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal

My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?

My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.

Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies

Hear me out:

Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.

This is where we’re at, people.

[highspeed chase]

ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*

[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]

How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now

I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.

“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.

No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.

The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.

Shrek + Akira = Shakira???

I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped

You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.

My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.

I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.