I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.

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INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou

*I’ve already changed his pants*


H: “Whatcha doing?”

Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”

H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”

Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”


If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.


1) Find and catch a rabbit

2) Go to restaurant

3) Complain about a hare in your meal

4) Enjoy free meal plus adorable household pet


When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down


If you break a mirror is it 7 years bad luck for you or the person whose head you just smashed it over?


To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.