I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.

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Omg. I just discovered that a FB friend of mine eats mayonnaise on her Reeses peanut butter cups and now I need to ghost her.


Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.


I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas


Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*


Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like


The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds


The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.