I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
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[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.