Omg. I just discovered that a FB friend of mine eats mayonnaise on her Reeses peanut butter cups and now I need to ghost her.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
You Might Also Like
Alice in Wonderland taught me to drink things that I’m unsure of
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Starting to think my job only wants me for my labor