@Wine_honey1

I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.

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@QwertyJones3

INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou

*I’ve already changed his pants*

@Blonde4Dayz

H: “Whatcha doing?”

Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”

H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”

Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”

@CheryeDavis

If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.

@MikeCanRant

1) Find and catch a rabbit

2) Go to restaurant

3) Complain about a hare in your meal

4) Enjoy free meal plus adorable household pet

@AlisonAgosti

When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down

@KissabiX

If you break a mirror is it 7 years bad luck for you or the person whose head you just smashed it over?

@themorris23

To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.