Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.

[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?

Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.

The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one

me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*

my mom: WHAT THE HELL!

Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*

Me: Nice work with picking a random password.

Wife: It’s our anniversary.

Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online

Huge if true.

Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.

Grocery guy here with a reminder…

You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒

Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t fun

How’s your summer going?

The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.

Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.

Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin

me: how was your day

5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!

[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!

giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”

Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.

Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat

Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”

I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.

My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.

Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.

If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.

You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.

[feels adventurous]

As a kid: *climbs a tree*

As a teen: *dyes hair*

In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*

In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*

I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan

Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.

When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already

Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”

my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?