I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
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Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
My fantasy football season is going great
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Sorry my spirit animal peed on you.
4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
“Santa isn’t real” ok, I literally just saw him at the mall
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Did you hear about the man who was using apples and oranges for flooring?
He started to lay them down when he realized it was fruit-tile
#LunchPun
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
FRED: right
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.